March Ninth 2010 Morning

So yesterday wasn't so bad. Mama L swore much more than I'm used to. It was kinda weird. She was telling me all sorts of things I wonder if I just never noticed before or maybe she was talking to me like I'm a big girl. I don't know. I'm feeling pretty calm today. Okay, all concern out the window, this is what's going on. I've known several people that have been addicted to porn. I mean, it turns me on, but to do that...as frequently as they do, or have, its not possible! I don't get it. I am disgusted by them now... If anyone reads this that is addicted to porn, please explain it to me...

March Eighth 210 8:06am

Today is the big day! Really nervous .SOrry it took me so long to get back here, not that I have any followers but well its hard because Alex is always around and if he notices that I'm sharing thoughts with the web he thinks he can read them. He likes knowing my mind. This is all I have to say really. Yesterday I went to Church in Kleefeld. A lot of people who I wasn't really close to were pretending we were pals and it was weird. It was nice though to see my friends. And expose Alex to more of my love places. I should get ready, I'm being picked up in 50 minutes. SO EXCITED! Get to chill with my mommy...my mommy... I feel like I'm lying lol. Take care...Wish me luck.

March Sixth 2010 Sometime...

***Drunk***

March Sixth 2010 11:13am

So last night I got cut off cuz he showed up. Today, he is at the clinic...checking to see whats wrong, his throat is infected and they think it may be mono. Sick! What I would like to know is how one gets mono? I didn't give it to him, my throat is fine, his better be too lol because if he has mono, then we're kinda gonna have to be kiss free for a few weeks. Can we do that? haha I don't know. His haircut, is okay, looked a little strange the way the curls were going lol I love his hair long. He has my keys so he has to check the mail cuz my social worker called and said they sent the cheque...

March Fifth 2010 Eight pm

So today was great, paid off some bills for once, I think I'm doing pretty good. I'm trying to remain calm but my LANDLORD came to my door this evening to tell me about my rent. How could I possibly get screwed over this way? I'm gonna kill... I don't know. Today was wierd, due to lack of sleep from the previous night. I already napped. I can't even tell you how long I was out but I did NOT want to wake up. However I woke up feeling severely agitated with Alex, I wanted him to go away. Now, thats completely new. We need a bed... well, he has a bed but he is tortured by...his parents. They pay for his education... So what can we do? Nothing... Oh no... I left momentarily and Alex is already on his way back. For some reason, I am choosing to keep this secretive. Because now I can say whatever I want, and not have to worry about repricussions. Hope I spelt that correctly. Unfortunately you can never be too sure, can you? Haha, He went to get his hair cut, how do you think it looks? I hope it looks good, my boy looks good with long hair but its curly-ish so it looks messy, and his parents keep making him cut it. That's right, this day and age he can still say his parents made him... they got him under their thumb though because he really wants to finish college.... Two more years guys, think I can make it? Haha, I sure do. Can't imagine being without the boy.

I am in a little bit of a frenzy. I have maybe two hundred dollars left. And I don't know how long I'm going to need to make that last. Because I don't know when the hell CFS is actually gonna come through and pay my rent like they're supposed to. What kind of CHILD and FAMILY agency is gonna abandon an 18 year old girl in an apartment she can't afford

Random Facebook Status....

"Whatever u give a woman, she will make it greater. Give her sperm, she will give you a baby. Give her a house, she will give u a home. Give her groceries, she will give u a meal. Give her a smile and she will give u her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if u give her crap be ready to receive a ton of Shit. Post it on your wall if you agree."

March Fifth, Yet Again 10:07am

Did not sleep, went to class, almost fell asleep there... Boring. Got some resumes together, looked at numbers for massagers. Because of some unholy bundle of knots in my right shoulder. Strange enough though, I do everything with my left hand. And Arm and shoulder. Either way, its wierd. I figure I should call around and see what kind of prices I can get for that. Because apparently this month will be tight, right? No movies to pay... Just hydro..hm... So what am I so worried about? I don't know, either way, one should be prepared to starve in the months to come. Oh and pay for school. Crikey, I forgot about that. Alex, my unofficial fiance, thinks he did well on his math exam today. I'm glad, I was nervous for the boy, he was studying but he kept going over this one question, and I was thinking, what if he was doing it wrong? With all the love in my heart that is what I wondered. But what could I do, eh? Either way, he's done twenty minutes early. I'm going to have to like, seriously nap when I get home. But I figure this would be a great opportunity to apply at all the places I need to apply at. Random time to apply places right? The designated time to apply? Haha. So I got my payment. I'm pleased, or am I? I want to order pizza tonight, but for WHAT?! You know how much I don't actually like pizza? The crusts are always too stiff, there is always too much tomato sauce and there is never enough cheese, and even if there is enough toppings, they keep falling off. Its a hassle to avoid hassle. Ridiculous. I wish I could order Chinese or something but that's outrageous because my lovely fiance, does not like Chinese. GRE-AT! *grumps* I'm talking to my older brother John... Often signs off as (Johnny Garda.....) No clue what it means but he likes it so why not? I wouldn't mind having a brother Johnny. I have always called him John though. That is the name they gave me when I was ten and wondering who my siblings are. John, Jerry, Terry. Nobody told me it was Johnny, Jer and Terrence. Kidding about the Jer one. But the other are completely legit! Terrence actually gets a little fiendish if you call him Terry. Wierd thing about them is that they refer to OUR mother as YOUR mother. "You talk to your mother recently, kiddo?"

I have no idea what happends there, its been twenty minutes, I'm going to fall asleep...

March Fifth 2010 Barely any time later...

So I should've been applying for jobs for the past two weeks and I skipped at least four days, more than I should have, and bluffed myself a cheque, yeah, I'm great, right? Well, I didn't always have transportation and I didn't know...ugh, more excuses. No more, I got lazy some days. I just didn't try very hard. Now I have a specific thing to look for though, full-time, not day-time hours. That's gonna be real fun to find. What am I supposed to do? Apply at Domino's or something? I am invincible, watch me achieve nothing when everyone else finds something. I will get a job, and that's final, and there's no way in HELL that Crystal is getting away without paying my rent... I will kick some ass! Haha, so excited for monday now I can TASTE it! Will have laptop for a few more days then hopefully we can manuevre the desktop computer here. Alex is procrastinating but there's no way I will just...get internet and nothing to use it with. If he gets home early today, we're bringing it, because it is my last chance. And we're doing laundry. Bugger didn't do any of my delicates last time. I'm not demanding.. I had class, he was home, and well...internet for no computer? Thats absurd. Oh, fyi (never been a fan of that but here we go...) I'm working on a laptop right now. Oh. I feel like I typed the recently. You already know... How silly of me. Anyway, if you are actually reading this, kudos on being a patient reader. I'm not sure, but I don't think my writing is the easiest read.

March Fifth 2010 7am

I have not slept. Was not tired. Stayed up doing...other things. Watching movies, mulling over distant concepts of all that never occured to me until I willed it to. I was alone, all night, and for once, I did not mind, and to top it off, I vaguely got to remember the essence of dawn and how over whelmingly gorgeous it is. How completely innocent, trustworthy, clean, calm and exciting it is. Something about morning air, as the sky begins to gently lighten, its exhilerating. Its pure. I usually describe it as the beauty of the world before the destructive tragedy that is, humans, wakes up and disrupts nature. I understand, my very witnessing of dawn is that of the human form, but I think I mean, cars driving, doors slamming, coffee makers beeping, children chattering. I love those sounds too, but in the morning, I just love to soak up the emptiness, it compels me to think lyrically, poetically. Although I couldn't write a poem if I was begged, because my poems tend to sound pretty dark and though they sound good in theory, they don't sound so good in form. I don't write to what they tell us poems are in english, yes, sometimes they rhyme but more often than not, they don't follow a verse pattern at all. I like to keep my writings, completely off railed from English class. Make it a bit more, me. Maybe its another excuse for me to have less interest in school. Not my point though. Haha, the sky is lit, I hear cars roaring by, the moment has passed. Its much better in summer, when you can go outside and feel the crisp air and a slight shiver, and you could sit out there for up to 2 hours before you hear the first cars go by. I used to devos with Amanda those mornings. It was swell... I miss her. One of my best friends, ever. She's always been true to me, even when I didn't exactly return the favor.

March Fifth 2010 Merely Hours Later

So I'm not even sure what I got to say differently this time. I watched a Chakra video, didn't COMPLETELY help but didn't fail either. I'm not really a "connected to God" kind of person anymore though, unfortunately. But I mean, what am I to do? Not much. that's all I can say. Life moves on, unfortunately, I moved into a place where I can't just go back and claim Him. Everyone who's christian is gonna tell me that, well, I can. I can go back, He still loves me. Oh, PLEASE, I get it, God is crazy awesome. I've learned more than a few years worth of "Jesus Loves Me" to know how it works. You cannot be a "child of God" if you live a life of sin, correct? Well, as much as I love God, as much as I miss feeling connected to Him, I live a life of sin, and I am not in a place where changing that, is gonna happen. I'm not saying its not my choice, it is. Partially. I've gotten to the point where I've given up on changing my whole life... And its not exactly easy when your sinful life is shared with another person...

So I'm messaging my cousin on facebook. First conversation, I'm not even sure how we're related but he has the same last name as me and my family stretches from ocean to ocean. So I friended him a long time ago and he accepted and now, whatever I say to him, he just dismisses me. I asked if he was a gangster, because they generally have reps and don't wanna be bothered with conversation unless its about honeys and stuff. No, thats a generalization and I apologize for making it. If I've offended any gangsters then my bad. Truly.

I try not to generalize or seperate people's types. I mean, everytime someone tries to do it to me, I get quite angry. I mean, yes, I'm native, I've cut, I've been in foster care, I've dropped out of school, my parents are alcoholics. I'm extremely typical for the native stereotype (again, meaning no offense) But I've heard people call me down for it so I know what is thought of us. This is how it is. I hate it when its brought to attention. I'm a person, I've had issues, I've made excuses and given up on something. Thats a generalization I can say without needing to apologize. Because how many of you have done those things, or had those things? Everyone has an issue, if not more. I'm not saying you have serious problems, but I'm sure we each have one of those, and if you don't then you are optimistically wonderful! This is a generalization that everyone is...how do I word it... attached to? I guess. Not pleased with it. Cannot think of the word. Hm... Its troubling.

This is the thing. Look at my writing. It is spelt more or less correct. I use punctuation. I do not use slang or short cuts in my words. But my grammar is probably horrible and this has no structure, (are blogs supposed to have structure?) Either way, I am not dumb. But I have not reached my potential. Ooh! This is where I would submit my own little blurb about how I was making excuses for myself. However, I cannot paste in this little box I am writing in. Well that is the gyst of it. I was writing about how I had made excuses, lots, about why I dropped out of school and why I've lied to nearly everyone I know, so that I can continue to live comfortably in my own life of unfinished chapters. My excuse for that is my fear of not liking the ending so I avoid reaching any. Ridiculous, but clever. Not that clever actually, more like...plain.

March Fourth 2010 11:31pm

This is my blog, this is where it begins. Welcoming you to the end of my excuses. I am starting school in eleven days. I am going to graduate. I wonder if anyone will accidentally find this by google but thats as far as it will go. Oh my goodness, newest most exciting news is that on monday, that would be the eighth of march, I will be hanging out with Mama L. I just call her Mom to anyone else and Louise to her face. She was my foster mother from age 4-14 and well, I was horrible once I reached teenhood, thats another story. I will call my biological mother, Mama A. Or just my birth mom or my mother. Depends how dispicable I find her. I'll tell you more about that as I go. The point is, I'm going to go to the city with Mama L and its gonna be great. Over 8 hours together I believe. She is picking me up around ten she said and she won't be able to bring me home until after dinner. I don't know when they have dinner these days but I don't care. So this is what will happen. She'll pick me up bright and early and we will happily frollick our way to Winnipeg. Then we will giggle at Christine a little bit. It will be fun, then go to their home and my original home and it will be scary as hell. I will see Daddy G again. Haha, calling him Daddy G isn't necessary because he's the only father I really have. Willy is my biological father, chances are he'll rarely come up. I will make a legend for this stuff, if I can. I've been messaging Daddy G or Gary, for a few weeks now, he says all that I need to hear about the marvelous things that I am doing. He is never discouraging. I don't see what I ever hated about the folk. But I tell ya, peoples, I used to despise them. Until the last minute. Isn't that just how it works though? Anyway, so I'll be in that house, they will all be there, including my replacement, given, there have been several since I left, it has been almost 5 years. None the less, it will be pretty strange to see someone, sitting in my spot. Last time I went, the house was so small. Not small, just, very different to me and it had only been a year since I left them. Another exciting thing for me is Child and Family abruptly chose to not pay my rent and are covering it with "I don't know what happened to your cheque" Suffice to say, I'm screwed. I don't have a job, the program I'm in ends this week, so what am I supposed to do? Find a full time job, scrape by on food to pay my rent, the new internet and sixty bucks a month hydro. That'll be great. I don't know how the fuck they expect me to do this. I'm only 18 and they didn't give me any warning. Even more so, how can I find a full time job AND go to school from 9am-1:45pm?! Work NIGHTS?! Seems like my only option. Gre-at. That's just fucking fantastic. Stupid Child and Family. I never thought I'd hate them for abandoning me though. Thats the irony (don't actually understand the definition of irony) I spent my first 18 years of life wishing that they'd leave me alone, already. Yet, here it is, they've gone and done it and I've never been more ANGRY!