March Fifth 2010 Merely Hours Later

So I'm not even sure what I got to say differently this time. I watched a Chakra video, didn't COMPLETELY help but didn't fail either. I'm not really a "connected to God" kind of person anymore though, unfortunately. But I mean, what am I to do? Not much. that's all I can say. Life moves on, unfortunately, I moved into a place where I can't just go back and claim Him. Everyone who's christian is gonna tell me that, well, I can. I can go back, He still loves me. Oh, PLEASE, I get it, God is crazy awesome. I've learned more than a few years worth of "Jesus Loves Me" to know how it works. You cannot be a "child of God" if you live a life of sin, correct? Well, as much as I love God, as much as I miss feeling connected to Him, I live a life of sin, and I am not in a place where changing that, is gonna happen. I'm not saying its not my choice, it is. Partially. I've gotten to the point where I've given up on changing my whole life... And its not exactly easy when your sinful life is shared with another person...

So I'm messaging my cousin on facebook. First conversation, I'm not even sure how we're related but he has the same last name as me and my family stretches from ocean to ocean. So I friended him a long time ago and he accepted and now, whatever I say to him, he just dismisses me. I asked if he was a gangster, because they generally have reps and don't wanna be bothered with conversation unless its about honeys and stuff. No, thats a generalization and I apologize for making it. If I've offended any gangsters then my bad. Truly.

I try not to generalize or seperate people's types. I mean, everytime someone tries to do it to me, I get quite angry. I mean, yes, I'm native, I've cut, I've been in foster care, I've dropped out of school, my parents are alcoholics. I'm extremely typical for the native stereotype (again, meaning no offense) But I've heard people call me down for it so I know what is thought of us. This is how it is. I hate it when its brought to attention. I'm a person, I've had issues, I've made excuses and given up on something. Thats a generalization I can say without needing to apologize. Because how many of you have done those things, or had those things? Everyone has an issue, if not more. I'm not saying you have serious problems, but I'm sure we each have one of those, and if you don't then you are optimistically wonderful! This is a generalization that everyone is...how do I word it... attached to? I guess. Not pleased with it. Cannot think of the word. Hm... Its troubling.

This is the thing. Look at my writing. It is spelt more or less correct. I use punctuation. I do not use slang or short cuts in my words. But my grammar is probably horrible and this has no structure, (are blogs supposed to have structure?) Either way, I am not dumb. But I have not reached my potential. Ooh! This is where I would submit my own little blurb about how I was making excuses for myself. However, I cannot paste in this little box I am writing in. Well that is the gyst of it. I was writing about how I had made excuses, lots, about why I dropped out of school and why I've lied to nearly everyone I know, so that I can continue to live comfortably in my own life of unfinished chapters. My excuse for that is my fear of not liking the ending so I avoid reaching any. Ridiculous, but clever. Not that clever actually, more like...plain.